The Leading Laugh: The Unfortunate Comedy of Wonder Woman  

By Aghori

Wizards Lair Wonder Woman 2014 Short Story Contest

The Leading Laugh: The Unfortunate Comedy of Wonder Woman

The invisible jet flew calmly, and almost quietly, over the majestic scene of Gateway City. Wonder Woman was glad that things were so peaceful, and in gentle times like these, she couldn't help but reminisce about the carefree moments spent on Paradise Island. How beautiful that place could be when the Amazons weren't holding tournaments and trying to defeat one another.

At the same time that Wonder Woman felt at ease with the peace seeming to envelop the city, the heroine also feared something would ruin the tranquility. Gateway City, with its night traffic and towering skyscrapers, was almost too quiet. The criminal underworld, from Cheetah to Solomon Grundy, was always brewing with dark intentions, and Diana refused to believe that another night vigil would end so easily. Somewhere, in this silent twilight cityscape, an unsettling noise would break out. When it did, Wonder Woman would be ready.

A boisterous laugh erupted in the Gateway City Musuem of Antiquities.

One moment, the female museum guard was grasping at her slim belly, trying to keep the stomach pains at bay as her uncontrollable laughter refused to cease. Then, her hands were grasping for her neck as she looked up painfully at the ceiling, feeling the laughter choking her.

The woman's freshly made corpse fell to the ground. From the expression on her now chalk white face, those stretched red lips, those bewildered eyes that had turned green as quickly as her contaminated hair, one could have swore she died happy. Almost swore, until they looked closely and saw the redness in the whites of her widened eyes, the painful stretching of her lips from cheek to cheek, the dead yet remaining pleas that spoke silently from her captured pupils. Oh no, this woman died in any emotion other than happy... but wasn't happiness reserved more for the audience receiving the joke than the comedian giving it?

The clown prince would have to ponder that philosophical question later. He was the king of comedians, that was for sure, but he served as his own audience as well. Perhaps the only thing that mattered was that he was happy, and that his comic routines went off perfectly without a hitch.

This fresh female carrion was quite beautiful, her figure well proportioned in her security uniform, stacked healthily in her breasts and buttocks, not too thin, not too big. Though she had been a blonde, the harlequin of hate always preferred his ladies in red, white, and green.
"A fine supporting role in the hilarious debut of The Joker, here in Gateway City," Joker complimented to his deceased companion. "Pretty you are, my tragic clown, yet the lead actress part in this film you will not attain. In my precious Gateway City Follies, it's Wonder Woman I want."

Joker walked to the nearby exhibit. Facing him were two masks, one sad with tears carved near the eyes, the other happy and joyous. Both masks were made from pure gold, embedded with rubies and diamonds.

"Ah, the blessed masks of Comedy and Tragedy that I came for. The simpletons in this stupid metropolis believe that these headpieces come from Greece or Lesbos... but you and I know they are really from your beloved home, Paradise Island, don't we, Wonder Woman?" Joker picked up the tragedy mask and frowned. "Bah! Such an atrocious display of emotion. What lack of depth and brilliance. It deserves to be left behind in this wretched factory of uninspired crafts." Joker rudely knocked the tragedy mask over as he looked to the comedy mask. "Ah! But this mask! Such beauty, such warmth and majesty! Crafted with the finest care imaginable to display that ever intelligent forum of entertainment- comedy!" The Joker grabbed the mask and slipped it into his coat. "And it's mine, all mine!"

The clown laughed merrily to himself and the security cameras, thinking about what a glorious show he had left behind for the museum monkeys.

Wonder Woman should have guessed a horrific morning would make up for such a peaceful night.

She reviewed the tapes with Etta Candy once more.

"Disturbing," Etta admitted.

"I hate to say it, but that's an understatement, Lieutenant Candy." Diana moved her hands through her hair as she sighed. "There's enough trouble in Gateway City as it is. Now I have to deal with the craziest crazy from Gotham City? Was a damn mask so important that Joker made such a long distance trip just to get it?"

"You know how these psychos think, Wonder Woman. I doubt he's just going to stop with a mere comedy mask."

Especially one straight from my people, Wonder Woman thought. I wonder if the Joker knew that... the news reported it as a Greek artifact, but it's an Amazonian artifact. Maybe Joker is trying to call me out. Maybe...

"I have to find him... before he leaves behind any other deadly footprints."

"We're trying to locate him too, Wonder Woman. The entire police department is behind this. Hopefully, The Joker's insanity and lack of reason will trip him up some how."

"Oh, I doubt that, Etta. If there's one thing I've learned from many talks with Batman at the League of Justice, it's this. There's no method to the madness of The Joker, but there's madness to his methods. If anyone can prove an insane man can reason intelligently, especially for the purpose of evil, it's the Joker. Let's just hope we can find the unfunny man before he strikes again."

Unfortunately, Wonder Woman would not make it in time for The Joker's next scene.

Made up in a flesh tone disguise, his hair dyed brown yet his cherry thin lips unable to release that frozen smile from his deadening face, The Joker strolled along the campus of Holliday College. He was dressed in a business suit with a brown briefcase held in his right hand. As students, professors, and staff members walked by him, he felt a sense of elation when they made the mistake of staring him in the face. Without fail, anyone that looked at The Joker, even with his disguise worn, would look away or down with fear and dread. No one smiled that happily, did they?

No one but The Joker.

The Joker stepped in front of the big house he had been looking for. This was it, wasn't it? Joker pulled out the photograph in his pocket. Ah, yes. This was the Beeta Lamda Sorority. Joker's mouth watered, thinking of the prank he had in store for the place. How could he resist? The very name of the sorority, Beeta Lamda, sounded like a gang of laughs.

"These lovely ladies are gonna get the joke of their lives," the man in bad flesh tone makeup remarked before laughing and making his way to the door.

To work up his charm, the clown prince fitted his favorite flower carnation into the front of his business coat. Then, Joker ranged the doorbell, his briefcase gripped at his side as he tried to stifle a chuckle.

"Hello," a beautiful college girl said in greeting upon opening the door. Her cheerfulness faded upon seeing the creepy grinning face of the business man before her.

"Hello, young lady! May I interest you in some of my hilarious wares? Laughing Larry, successful comic and actor from the old school. No lame reality show pranks from this man, my lady! Perhaps you're aware of my roles?"

"Um, no," the woman said through an uncomfortable grin, trying to be polite but knowing she was failing miserably. "Afraid I haven't heard of you. Sorry, it's early and most of us are getting ready for class. Goodbye."

Laughing Larry's well polished right shoe, a bit big and bulbous in comparison to even larger male feet, kept a closing door opened. "Well, perhaps your parents have! I'm well known in golden classics like "Fatal Funnies for Females" and "Smoldered Sultry Smiles". You little lassies don't laugh enough these days- hitting those books, working towards your law degrees, texting and driving. Why, I have the perfect thing that'll make ya giggle all the way to the grave!"

The woman's fear was worn upon her face like an ancient theatre mask. "Sir, you're scaring me!"

"Nothing scary about comedy, sweetheart. Why don't you let a real man make you laugh?"

As the girl shoved the door against the funny man's shoe, a swift cloud of wet green vapors sprayed from the carnation on the front of his coat. The young woman stumbled back, sneezing at first, covering her lips as the door to door comedian invited himself in. Then, without warning, the woman started to laugh, loud and happily. She nearly tumbled forward, landing against her new pal Larry's business jacket, her hip quickly seized in his hand.

"That's the sound I like to hear!" Laughing Larry said as he pulled the woman close. "Now, show me the great sorority that once housed your great policewoman, Etta Candy."

The woman continued to laugh as Larry pulled her along. So joyous was her laughter, as she was unable to voice any protests or pleas for mercy.

"Music to my ears, deary, though I admit I'm not that funny. Know a guy in Gotham that's a real riot more than me. Now, about this Etta lady- what a laugh! Heard she's real close to your sorority's old friend, Wonder Woman. Now, she wouldn't be as much of a chuckle as that invisible jet riding seductress, but she's sure be a crowning achievement on the way to the top- wouldn't ya say?"

The unfortunate soror couldn't say anything, and Larry knew it. He could hear her in a heightened stage of the laughing infection, unable to fight off the forced joy moving through her body.

"That's okay, lady, you don't have to say much if ya don't want. Just glad your laugh is bringing some life to this dump. Place is quiet! Guess most of your other friends are in class already, huh, funny girl?" As Larry looked at the walls, grinning proudly, he was pleased to see quite a few pictures of Etta Candy mounted on the wall. God, she was a hog then, he thought disfavorably. The one that intrigued him the most was a picture of Wonder Woman standing side by side with Etta and some of her Beeta Lamda sorors. He pulled the girl close as she forced out her last laughs. "Look at that, huh, toots? One of a kind babes! But they look so serious. Perhaps they should get the laugh treatment like you, huh?"

The disguised Joker looked down to his once laughing victim as she rested limply against his arm. Her hair had quickly turned green, her face whitened, her lips stretched in rigamortis.

"Huh. Left so soon, huh? A shame. I didn't even catch your name."

Joker chuckled to himself as he tossed the smiling soror to a chair nearby. He picked up a picture he saw beside a mantle. It was a recent picture, and his latest joke was there, smiling proudly with her friends. "Wow... you didn't have quite a bad grin there, you anonymous she-devil, you. Not bad at all."

The sounds of steps coming down the stairs made Joker even more enticed, and the voice calling from those descending feet was even more allurng. "Jacklyn! Really, Jacklyn, what's so gosh darn funny?"

Jacklyn. The silly gag angel was named Jacklyn.

The Joker rounded the corner, leaving Jacklyn's corpse in the den. He quickly met his new host at the bottom of the stairs, only a few inches away. "Hello there. Jacklyn's a bit laughed out, babe."

"Who are you?" the curly brown haired woman on the stairs asked with distrust in her hazel eyes.

The Joker stepped onto the stairs as the girl made a step up. "Just a temporary playmate of Jacklyn's."

"Playmate to a weird, old creep like you?"

"Sure, hon. And you are?"

"Christie. Christie, damn it. Where is she? Why was she laughing like that? It was weird."

"I'm a door to door comedian. Sometimes my jokes get a bit...overwhelming for customers. Poor dear laughed so hard she passed out."

"Oh yeah?" Christie looked at Joker's smile with a mix of fear and interest. Joker, with his masterful psychological knowledge, could see the intrigue in her eyes. A shy, slightly ignorant lass with a shamefully curious attraction to the dark side. It's all in her eyes. "Well, whatever you were doing down here, it sounded like it must have been pretty damn funny. Jacklyn's perky, but she's never laughed like that."

"What can I say? I'm a miracle worker. Now- you won't let her hog all the laughs, will ya?"

"You haven't said or done anything funny yet. Besides... you look all funny and creepy. I got a mind to call the police."

"Not to worry- I'll make you laugh and I'll call the police for you!"

Before Christie could take The Joker up on his offer, the creep leaned forward and kissed the woman square on the lips. She struggled at first, trying to pull away, even beating against his chest frantically, but Christie's strength was zapped quick. But the time the man pulled away, the woman's face was flushing of color, soft giggles starting to move from her lips.

"Don't fight it, sweet stuff."

Some of Joker's skin tone makeup had rubbed onto the female's face, revealing more of those stark red lips and white skin around his mouth. The girl stared dreamily into the villain's bright green, manic eyes as she started to slump and lose color, her lips reddening, her skin whitening, her lips chuckling softly. Joker admired the dying, laughing girl's beauty.

"Joke Balm," Joker said as he pulled out a small green tube with a purple lid on it. "Smilex with some of my trusty pheromones. Never leave home without it!" The clown laughed as he watched the girl offer her last soft giggles with a romanced look in her glazed eyes. That Joker charm had done it again, and Christie had suffered a more desirable state than her friend Jacklyn. This was the least the clown prince could do for her. Her chalk white skin rested over the stairs as her once hazel eyes now looked up at the Joker with a soft green glow.

"Some lucky girl gets to cut class, huh?" Joker chuckled to himself as he looked upwards, to the top of the stairs. "Hmm. A sorority house and only two babes? Heh. I doubt it." Placing his chapstick in his pocket, Joker made his way up the stairs...

By the time the clown prince was done with his excursion, he had made about eight sorority girls laugh their last giggles. Though he regretted coming to the house so early, he was glad he made a final check in all of the rooms, just to make sure no one missed out on the mirth.

As he came back downstairs, Joker remembered his sworn duties to Christie. A promise was a promise, wasn't it? He had gone through to trouble to make her laugh, and...

The Joker picked up the phone and dailed 911. "Yes," he said, greeting the operator warmly, "I would like to report a bunch of merry making at the Beeta Lamda sorority, right on Holliday campus. I especially want Lieutenant Etta Candy to take a gander. She's gonna love this!"

Crime tape lined the sorority house.

Inside, photographs of the smiling girls were being taken as police dusted for fingerprints and took forensic samples.

"Damn it!" Etta shouted. "This psychotic jerk strikes again!"

"He's mocking us," Wonder Woman said. "The mask he took... I didn't mention this before because I didn't think it was anyone's business, but it's from Paradise Island, my homeland. Joker must have known that to get my attention."

"And then he attacks my old sorority-"

"He knows you used to help me. You and your sorors. And he asked for you to come here, especially. Etta... he may be trying to get to me through you. I fear for your safety."

"Fear for the safety of citizens, Wonder Woman. I'm a police officer. Danger is my damn job."

"But no danger is comparable to what The Joker can dish out. If I lost you, Etta, I would just-" Wonder Woman stopped herself. She was not going to cry here. "The police station. Don't you think? That's his next spot. It has to be."

"So you think we should just wait like sitting ducks at the police station?"

"Not we. I'm going up there right now. Etta... don't go home. I'm sure if there's any other place the Joker could head, just to plan on his joke more effectively, it's your place of residence."

"So you don't want me to go to the police station or home. I definitely can't stay here. Wonder Woman, this is my job. I have to do everything I can to ensure no one else is hurt."

"But... but you're obviously on his victim list."

"I don't care. If you go anywhere, I'm going. So where do you want to go? Where do you think he'll be?"

Wonder Woman sighed. "Your home."

"Let's go."

"We'll need to be cautious. The clown loves booby traps."

"I'll suit up with riot gear, then. Police station, then my place."

Not wasting another second, Etta asked a few fellow police officers to accompany them and headed to headquarters.

As Etta drove the squad car, five squad cars followed. Wonder Woman looked tensed in the seat besides her.

"We've got to be on the right track," Wonder Woman stated. "Even if Joker doesn't think like ordinary people-"

Wonder Woman had spoken too soon. A cloud of gas had erupted from the steering wheel, knocking Etta out quickly. Wonder Woman, in shock, noticed the gas before it reached her, pulling up her hand and holding her breath. Thinking quickly, she dived down and reached over Etta, hitting the breaks. Though she could smell some of the sweetness of the gas, she was relieved that she had evaded enough of it, avoiding a knockout.

The car stopped. Wonder Woman put the car in park, pulled the keys out the ignition, and launched the emergency brake. The gas had evaporated enough for the heroine to lift her head up and check on her friend. Wonder Woman snapped her fingers, slapped her face, did as much as she could to wake her up.

Suddenly, from the steering wheel, Wonder Woman heard a creepy, prerecorded voice singing, "Beautiful dreamer, laugh onto me," before exploding into cruel, dark and bitter laughter.

"Joker!" The bastard, Wonder Woman thought as she gritted her teeth in anger.

"No worries, Wonder Woman," the voice said, making Wonder Woman confused as to whether it was prerecorded or being broadcasted in real-time. "I didn't kill the poor dear. If you could smell the sweet fragrance, you'd know it was just sleepy gas, nothing more. Unfortunately, knowing you, I doubt I was lucky enough to knock you out so easy."

Damn Joker.

"Only problem is, Wonder Woman, that sleeping gas is infected with a slow acting strand of my laughing gas. Smilex gas, rather, a bit stronger than your run of the mill laughing stuff, as you know. In about one hour, your friend will awaken and laugh her final, bloodcurdling guffaw. Lucky for you, I have an antidote- but you'll have to do exactly what I want to get it!"

Wonder Woman frowned as she eased up, looking at the steering wheel with fury.

"Hurry, Wonder Woman. The Gateway Bridge. I'll debate upon whether I give the one and only vial of the antidote to you, or I throw it in the water!"

Wonder Woman didn't stick around to hear that demonic laughter.

"I'm here, Joker."

The Joker, back in his original purple garb with natural clown face, turned to Wonder Woman with a smile. "Finally! I was becoming quite lonely!"

"There are other ways to alleviate death than killing innocent women in my city!"

"Other ways- just not as fun! Now, to discuss what you'll have to do-"

"Discuss this!" Wonder Woman shouted as she threw her lasso at Joker.

The Joker started to run.

The lasso grabbed his right arm, pulling him towards Wonder Woman.

"You're not going anywhere!" Wonder Woman shouted she ran to the clown, reeling him in.

Joker was so close now, right by her feet.

"What a charade you are, Wonder Woman!" Joker shouted as he pulled his roped wooden arm away from his coat. A heavy spudder of knockout gas shot from the sleeve, straight into Wonder Woman's face. "And a gas as well!"

Wonder Woman's eyes blinked softly before she was knocked out, falling onto the ground in a deep slumber.

"What a foolish woman you are! What if I had shattered the vial I promised you?" Joker laughed as he looked over his new prize with glee. "Oh well, that doesn't matter, does it? Ah... now for the real fun."

When Wonder Woman's eyes sputtered open, she felt so weak. She was in what looked like a funhouse surrounded with pictures of clowns. Her body was stripped naked, her legs spread as she sat in a chair with her legs spread. Her arms, torso, and legs were restrained against the chair with her own golden lasso.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the humiliated and subdued Wonder Woman!"

Joker stepped out, pale and in nothing but his boxers. He grinned happily as he proceeded towards Wonder Woman. "Ahhh... there's my leading actress right now! So- let's act out the most triumphant scene of my comedy, where a powerful and intimidating woman, you, are reduced to nothing but a mere laugh for the greatest comedian in the world, me."

"Joker... what about.. the antidote... for-"

"Ohhhhh, that thing? The vial you nearly smashed when you lassoed me, Wonder Dolt? Not to worry, toots. Your friend, Etta Candy, was it? She was never in any real danger under your watch. I just sleepy gassed the poor dear. I mean, sure, she'd look good in smilex now, but I just think of all those old college pictures I saw and I have to pass, Wonder Woman. I mean, the unfortunate porker was fat, Wonder Woman, fat! And it's not like me to put makeup on a pig." The Joker laughed. "I'm just joking. Sorry, babe, it's what I do. I make jokes, and I'm not always politically correct. Though, I must say, I never had intentions of killing or harming your dear Etta. I just knew your worry for her would cloud your judgement, and then I'd get the real deal. You, toots. All those other girls, they were just snacks, appetizers. Now, you... I'm not gonna kill ya. No. It'd be too easy, and not funny enough. I'm gonna do what ya'd really hate. I'm gonna make ya feel good, whether ya like it or not... and your torso will tell the truth. Whether you want it to or not."

"Don't step closer, Joker," Wonder Woman said, but she couldn't stop him. His purple gloved hand had already found it's way into her cunt, dipping in teasingly.

"Ho ho... you're already wet, Wonder Woman. Doesn't that feel good?"

"It does," Wonder Woman was forced to admit, "but I don't want you to do this. You're... you're attempting to force sex on me, and you're just getting started."

"But it feels good... doesn't it."

"Yes... and I don't want it to feel good... and I want to kill you, to punch you in the face, but... oh god, it feels good and an ashamed part of me wants more... but I know it's not right, and no, not to you, don't make me feel that."

"Tell me more." The Joker slid down his boxers and let them fall onto the floor.

"I wish I could lie and tell you that I'd let you sleep with me if you undid the lasso... but I can't. And you wouldn't believe me. You know I'd kick your ass as soon as you let me go. I have to just sit here and take it. I have to... please don't put that thing in me. I don't want to enjoy this, but I know I will... I don't want to-" Wonder Woman gasped as The Joker forced his unprotected, big white cock into her nether region, moving into those opening lips as if the sea was parting for him.

"Oh wow, Wonder Woman... your all lubed up. No need for anything else but skin on skin, huh, babe?"

"That feels good, Joker.. I hate this... and love this at the same time. Hate feeling so powerless, yet... love it... oh god." Wonder Woman, restrained and weakened by the lasso, could only take the cock like an unrestrained syringe diving into her depths.

"Wow... this thing drips more loosely than Harley. You've been around the block a couple of times, haven't you, Wonder Woman?"

"I've... had... sex... urrrgh... with Superman." Wonder Woman's eyes closed in ecstasy as the cock went into her. No, she didn't want to feel this. Why didn't he stop? Why was he forcing her to take this, to feel this emotions for such a disgusting criminal. He stole artifacts. He murdered women. He...

The chair was dripping. How Joker could squat so uncomfortably over her, just to force that cock into her and humiliate her, was too overwhelming a mystery for Wonder Woman to speculate about. She had to take that clown cock, feel it dig into her depths. As it spread her walls, going further into her gaping hole, she moaned with a defeated awe. If only she could say no and mean it. If only she was free enough to wrestle him off. If only.

Joker was a magician of some sort. Wonder Woman didn't know how he did it, but the speed of his cock had increased. The motion became more enjoyable with each stroke, more intense. The clown prince groaned, something Wonder Woman had never thought he could be capable of doing. His frozen smile was even more eerie with his eyes closed in sexual joy, and Wonder Woman hated to be sharing it with him. That was the whole point of this trip to Gateway City. She saw it now. The Joker had 'conquered' her, a indomitable female that usually intimidated the criminal class. Sure, upsetting a man in a bat suit was fun, but defeating Wonder Woman was even more of a high feat. If only she could turn away, push him off, stop him before he released...

But she could feel it... with her dripping liquids, his pre cum was actually thick. No, he hadn't orgasmed yet, but quite a few micro-jokes were being squeezed into her body. She cringed at the thought of having Joker's babies; even she and Superman used condoms when they fooled around. Joker, however, was going raw dog, all for his own entertainment, ignoring the resistant wants of Wonder Woman. Whether she felt joy or not, she wanted this to end. It had to.

After a tortuous, rough and pleasantly hot half an hour of being fucked by The Joker, Wonder Woman was relieved and saddened to feel his final splatter of seed, his huge orgasmic load, meet her as she orgasmed for the third time. The seat was wet and sticky, the room smelling of intense sex.

Joker chuckled to himself as he pulled on his boxers. He grabbed his socks and walked to his suit resting on a table nearby.

"I want to leave, Joker," Wonder Woman said. "I want to see my friend Etta and let her know this is all over."

"Oh?" Joker turned to look at Wonder Woman, tied up in her bounds, as he held up the vial of green stuff. "So you can give her this?"

Joker let the vial fall onto the floor and shatter. A yellow fluid spread on the ground. How quickly it was absorbed onto the hard surface.

"Little help it will do her now, the poor dear. Oh well. She'll know it's all over... soon enough."

Wonder Woman shook her head. "You told me-"

"I lied, Wonder Woman. Just to ease your tensions before our fun escapade, which you and I enjoyed. Tragically, your friend has-" Joker lifted up his watch and shook his head, tsking away. "Fifty-nine seconds before she laughs her last laugh. Too bad you're not The Flash, huh? But even he couldn't get an evaporating antidote and littered glass off the ground to actually help anyone."

Wonder Woman lowered her head in shame. "You're... a creep, Joker."

"A shame I'll miss Etta's final, most happy moments. I'll miss it, but I think I'll at least get to hear about her grin in the evening news or something. That's enjoyable enough, isn't it?" Joker finished putting on his suit, smiling cheerfully at his defeated opponent. "As for you, you can sit here and think about what you could have done to make this situation better. I have a plane to catch back to Gotham. Ta-ta."

The clown faced man made his way out the door as he laughed a sinister, winning laugh.

Wonder Woman sat in the dark, drenched with sweat and semen as she thought, solemnly, about what could be real and what could be false. Perhaps, for now, those ponderings were all she had left.

The End